The following sermon was presented by the Reverend John W. Howe, Rector of Truro Episcopal Church in Fairfax, Virginia, on World Marriage Sunday, February 12, 1984. The title is, Renewing Your Marriage, and the scripture reference is Genesis chapter 1, verses 24 through 31.

I wonder if you noticed in that retelling of the creation story in the first chapter of Genesis, there's just the tiniest hint of something that doesn't become fully explicit until the coming of our Lord Jesus. And yet it's terribly profound. You might look at it with me again.

Chapter 1 and verse 26. just a hint that God who is one God is somehow at the same time more than one. God said, let us make man in our image.

After our likeness, let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, the cattle, and so on. Verse 27, so God created man in his own image. In the image of God, he created him.

Male and female, he created them. Which is it? Singular or plural?

That is a very accurate translation. Any good Jewish Bible will have it exactly that way. Just a hint that within the solitary oneness, within the unity of God, there is somehow an interplay of personalities.

Eventually the church called this the doctrine of the Trinity. It took a long time to get there. When we began to understand that within the one God, there is Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

The Father is not the Son. The Son is not the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is not the Father.

And yet, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are one God. That's not where we began. We didn't begin with a philosophy.

We began with a Jewish conviction. The only creed the Jews ever knew is, Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God is one Lord. But the disciples of Jesus, who were firmly convinced that that was true, met a man who claimed to be God, and they couldn't dismiss the claim.

He did not seem to be insane. He did not seem to be a megalomaniac. And slowly, inexorably, they were driven to the conviction that claim is true.

This man is God. And yet he prays to his Father, who is God. And there's only one God.

And then he says, I'm going to be with the Father forever and I'm going to send another Counselor and He's going to live inside you and so I will be with you forever. And there's the Father and there's the Son and there's the Counselor And there's still only one God. It took the church about four and a half centuries to work that out.

One God in three persons. And yet there's a hint there in the very first chapter. Let us make man in our image.

You know, whenever we say that God is love, who are implying much the same thing. I don't know if you ever stopped to think about it. It does not simply say God loves, which He does.

God loves you. God loves me. God loves the world that He's made.

It does say that, but before it says that, it says God is love in and of Himself. All love that ever was or ever will be emerges out of the being of God who is love. And yet stop and think about it.

to be love you've got to have a lover and a beloved you've got to have an interplay of persons within God himself just a hint that before the creation was ever begun there was an endless love affair between Father, Son and Holy Spirit within the being of God I want to submit to you that when it says that man was created in God's image, that's what it's talking about. It is not saying that we physically resemble God any more than any of the other creatures do. God is a spirit.

He doesn't have a body for us to resemble. It's not that we look like Him physically. It's not even that we resemble Him intellectually, that we're smarter than all the other animals.

we may not be. Some porpoises may be as smart as we are. Or at least as smart as you are.

That's really a cheap shot, isn't it? I submit to you that when it says man is created in the image of God, what it preeminently means is that we are created with a capacity for sustained love relationships. And to some small degree, those love relationships resemble and reflect what has ever been true within the Godhead.

The Father loving the Son. The Son loving the Father. The family spirit of love between them so real, so palpably real that you have to consider Him yet a third personality.

The Spirit of love. An ongoing, endless, eternal love affair within God. In fact, I think it could be said that the creation itself comes out of that love affair because God didn't want to keep it to Himself.

And so you may not say, and I may not say, I as one individual am created in the image of God. That is a very incomplete truth. The image of God is seen.

The nature of God, the character of God, begins to be reflected as we fall in love with each other. And that's true of all human relationships. That's friendship.

That's parents and children. That's children and parents. Preeminently, though, that's marriage.

God gave marriage to be a reflection of His own character. It's interesting, isn't it, that at every stage in creation, every point along the way, God says, that's good. That's good.

Oh, I like that. That's good. And the first not good in the history of creation is uttered over Adam's solitariness.

It is not good. that the man should be alone. And so God created for him a help meet.

In Elizabethan English, a help meet. Have you ever stopped to think what that really means? A help meet.

M-E-E-T. That means a helper perfectly suited to his needs. Perfectly suited to help him. To help him do what?

To help him do nothing. To help him be what he's created to be. Because apart from another person, he can't be created in the image of God.

You see, man in this particular passage is generic. It has nothing to do with sex. It's a generic term.

In the image of God, he created him, male and female. And for centuries, the rabbis have loved to remind us that Eve was not taken from man's head to rule over him, nor from his feet to be trodden down by him, but from his side. In fact, the side nearest his heart so that she could be his partner, his co-equal.

Did you hear me? His co-equal. To share all of life.

I need to say that the Scriptures make it abundantly clear that marriage is a calling. And not everyone has this calling. And if you're called to singleness, there is no room there for envy or jealousy or a feeling of incompleteness, because those whom God calls to singleness, it says in 1 Corinthians 7, to them He gives a special gift of grace.

And sometimes those who are single know the Lord Himself as husband and wife in a very intense and profound way. But to those that He does call to marriage, His greatest gift after that of new life in the Lord Jesus Christ is one other person with whom all of life is to be shared. The hopes, the dreams, the disappointments, the expectations and the setbacks, the jokes, the drinks, the arguments, the love making the celebration of joy the mutual comfort in the midst of sorrow all the tiny heartwarming heart breaking bittersweet commonplace little things in which we know and are known and you begin to understand then that in creating the institution of marriage God intended it not just for our human fulfillment as important as that is but that it make a statement that marriage is to bear witness just by its nature it's to bear witness it's to point beyond itself as a kind of a parable, an enacted microcosm of the nature of God.

Do you understand that? In the Old Testament, God calls Himself the Husband of Israel. In the New Testament, Jesus is the Bridegroom of His church.

In our marriages, all marriages, even those of unbelievers, are intended by God in some way to reflect that. So while this is true of all human relationships, it's preeminently true of the marriage relationship because that's the one that has the most complete expression of giving and receiving and sharing and loving. And that's why it's so incredibly tragic when marriages break down.

and that's why we live in such an incredibly tragic generation do you know that in colonial America the divorce rate was approximately one out of every 350 marriages and that was considered a scandal by the Puritans by 1900 it had become approximately one out of 50 and today it is very close to one out of two. And I usually tell young couples that are preparing for their wedding day, you do realize that that's like playing Russian roulette with every other barrel loaded. Who would ever, by choice, impose that kind of pain on somebody that you once loved?

or on yourself for that matter. And what makes you think you're going to beat the odds? Nobody ever got married who didn't think they were going to beat the odds and yet half of them didn't. Well, I want to tell you this morning if you don't already know it that God has a plan for marriage that will enable us to beat the odds.

Eternity Magazine did a survey a few years ago out of Christian couples who daily read Scripture and pray together. That doesn't seem like very much, does it? Of course, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

If you do that, it probably suggests that there's a whole lot of shared commitment beneath the surface. Out of Christian couples who daily read Scripture and pray together, the divorce rate is approximately 1 out of 1,600. God's plan that enables you to beat the odds is that you put the Lord Jesus Christ at the center of your marriage.

because a Christian marriage is not two people who have fallen in love with each other but it's three people and one of them is called Jesus and He's the mediator and the marriage doesn't revolve around what the husband wants over against what the wife wants which once in a while might happen to coincide but a Christian marriage revolves around what does Jesus want? because He's the head of our marriage. He's the head of our household.

See, we've been guilty for centuries of a terrible misstatement. We've said that the husband is the head of the household. No, he is not.

Not in a Christian marriage. Jesus Christ is the head of the household. Oh yes, you're going to point me immediately to Ephesians 5.

Read it again. what it says is the husband is the head of the wife and it spends the rest of the chapter defining what that means and what it means is he is her servant I trust I have your attention gentlemen read it again and weep he is the head of his wife and that means He's to love her as Christ loves the church, which means He's to care for her, He's to provide for her, He's to meet her needs, He's to nourish her. And you stop and think about how Jesus treats the church and there won't be a whole lot of room for demanding my rights as a little dictator.

Jesus met His disciples' needs. He fed them. He cared for them.

He ministered to them. he healed them he washed their stinking smelly feet and he went to a cross on their behalf you want to be the head of your wife? there's the pattern Donald Gray Barnhouse at the wedding of his daughter said no woman will ever find it hard to submit herself to a man who is willing to be crucified for her Jesus is the one who said I came to serve not to be served I came to minister not to be ministered unto and that's the sense in which the husband is the head of the wife he's her servant and Jesus is the head of the household you catch the difference?

We together ask him what he wants us to do. And we deliberately put aside our own vested interests in the matter. Lord, what do you want us to do?

If any of you husbands really want to be the head of your wife, I'll make you a suggestion. Half of the congregation is going to love this. The other half may kill me before the 1115 service.

you invite your wife to give you a list of the ten things she would most like you to do around the house in order of priority and promise her that you'll do them as soon as you can and when you have ask her for another list Jesus is the head of the house that's what makes a Christian marriage it's not a set of rules it's not even a set of standards so Jesus is the head of the house and at every decision every juncture, every turn every career decision it's not what do I want it's what does he want Lord what do you want I've got my opinion she's got her opinion kids have their opinion we're all going to set our opinions aside Lord what do you want otherwise you've got at least two egos competing with each other when we set ego off the throne and we ask Lord Jesus you occupy the throne of royalty you're the head of this household you speak to us then you beat the odds friends I wonder if you begin to see that that betraying your spouse is a matter of betraying your Lord and therefore it's ultimately a matter of betraying yourself because what does it mean to call him Lord if you don't do what he tells you to he asked that question he said why do you call me Lord when you don't do the things I tell you it's betraying yourself what kind of integrity are you left with if you make promises that you have no intention of keeping it is clear I trust that on your wedding day, you made no promise to go on feeling the same way. That would be a very foolish promise. It's the nature of feelings to do this.

If you went on feeling the same way, you'd never get anything done. What you promised was to go on behaving in a certain way. regardless of your feelings.

You promised to go on acting in a certain way regardless of your feelings. You promised that forsaking all others you'd cleave only unto this one so long as you both shall live. It didn't mention feelings, did it?

I guarantee you that if it hasn't already happened it will surely come to the point where that promise is tested. it will surely come to that point. And then you'll find out what your values really are.

But I want to suggest to you that the most basic lesson in the Christian life, the most basic, lesson in the Christian life applies here as it does everywhere else and that is that when you act on your commitments rather than on your feelings your feelings fall into place. I say that again? When you act on your commitments rather than on your feelings your feelings fall into place.

That is true across the board and it is an exact opposite variance with everything that our culture is telling us. Our culture says if it feels good, do it. And Scripture says if it is good, do it.

And your feelings will fall into place. So that when I choose to praise God, not because I feel like it, but because He's worthy of praise, you know what happens to my feelings? They begin to rise.

It's the best cure to spiritual depression I know. If you're down in the dumps, last thing in the world you would ever want to do is praise God. You know what you ought to do?

praise God. And your feelings begin to rise. You begin to feel like praising God.

When you choose to obey Christ, not because you feel like it, but because He's worthy of obedience, you begin to feel like obeying Him. When I choose to express the love commitment that I have to Karen, regardless of where my feelings are at that particular moment, I find God renewing the feelings of love and filling them with joy and wonder. One of the things we've discovered of late is that that takes time.

It takes quality time carved out on a daily basis. It's really easy after you've been married for a few years to just assume everything's okay. You end up taking each other for granted.

Most of the couples that I ever counsel with who find themselves in marital difficulty have simply stopped attending to the relationship. They've just taken each other for granted. They've assumed I've discovered everything, I've already discovered everything there is to discover about this person.

all the fizz has gone out of the Pepsi that's what makes it attractive to discover some new Pepsi Karen and I have discovered that we've got to set quality time aside every day you know we've been talking about if the Lord Jesus is our priority we've got to spend time We've got to read his word. We've got to pray. We've got to meditate.

We've got to let him speak to us. Same thing is true in marriages. We've got to set time aside to talk and share and laugh and cry and bring each other up to date.

Maybe you need to do that too. Otherwise, we take each other for granted and begin to forget what an incredibly special gift it is that we share. marriage is in deep trouble deep trouble and folks who call themselves Christians don't have much better track records than others for all these reasons it seemed good to us to join with hundreds of other churches this day and setting aside a morning to be reflective about all of this and to thank God for our marriages, to explicitly ask Jesus to be at the center of them, to recommit ourselves, those of us who are married, to the adventure of marriage and the awesome responsibilities and privileges that accompany it, to ask God's forgiveness for the ways that we've failed and hurt each other, to ask his blessing on our homes and families and upon the family of this church, and to ask that God's own nature would be seen and reflected and manifested within our marriages.

so what I'd like to do is take a couple of moments and ask us just to be very quiet before the Lord you don't need to kneel just be quiet before the Lord and some of you may need to speak to him some of you may need to speak to each other I'm going to give the choir and clergy an opportunity to go join their spouses if they're present then I'm going to ask those of you who are married and would care to participate in a renewal of our wedding vows to stand in just a moment while the rest of us bear witness and join in praying for the renewal of those vows let's just be quiet for a moment dearly beloved we have come together in the presence of god to reaffirm the marriage vows of the couples now standing among us the bond and covenant of marriage was established by God in creation and our Lord Jesus Christ adorned this manner of life by his presence and first miracle at a wedding in Cana of Galilee it signifies to us the mystery of the union between Christ and his church and Holy Scripture commends it to be honored among all people the union of husband and wife and heart, body and mind is intended by God for their mutual joy for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity and when it is God's will for the procreation of children and their nurturing knowledge and love of the Lord I remind each of you husbands that you have taken the woman at your side to be your wife? Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor and keep her in sickness and in health and forsaking all others to be faithful to her as long as you both shall live? I remind each of you wives that you have taken the man at your side to be your husband.

Do you promise to love him, comfort him, honor and keep him in sickness and in health and forsaking all others to be faithful to him as long as you both shall live. I ask all the rest of you who have witnessed these promises, will you do all in your power to uphold these persons in their marriages? Amen.

O gracious and ever-living God, you have created us male and female in your image. Look mercifully upon each husband and wife whom you have called to be one. Thank you for their love for each other and for their families.

Assist them with your grace that the love you have wrought in them may continue to reach out to each other and to your people in the world. That the name of Jesus may be glorified and praised. May their unity forever reflect your presence, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, forever and ever.

Amen. I invite you couples to join hands and face each other. And I'll ask the husbands to repeat after me and insert your own name and then the name of your wife in the blank places provided.

In the name of God, I reaffirm my taking of you. Reaffirm my taking of you. to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until we are parted by death.

This is my solemn vow. This is my song, my God. Now you wives, repeat after me.

In the name of God, I... In the name of God, I... Reaffirm my taking of you... To be my husband... To have and to hold from this day forward...

To have and to hold from this day forward... For better, for worse... for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until we are parted by death.

This is my solemn vow. If you care to, you may kiss your bride. those whom God has joined together let no one put asunder let us kneel and pray eternal God creator and preserver of all life author of salvation and giver of all grace look with favor upon the world you have made and for which your Son gave his life, and especially upon this man and this woman whom you make one flesh in holy matrimony.

Give them wisdom and devotion in the ordering of their common life, that each may be to the other a strength in need, a counselor in perplexity, a comfort in sorrow, and a companion in joy. Grant that their wills may be so knit together in your will and their spirits in your spirit, that they may grow in love and peace with you and one another all the days of their life. Give them grace when they hurt each other, to recognize and acknowledge their fault, and to seek each other's forgiveness and yours.

Make their life together a sign of Christ's love to this sinful and broken world, that unity may overcome estrangement, forgiveness heal guilt, and joy conquer despair. For all of the families here represented, for our parents and for our children, we give thanks this day. Turn the hearts of the children to their parents.

Turn the hearts of their parents to their young. Turn the hearts of us all to one another. Turn the hearts of the people to the Lord.

Amen. Grant that the bonds of our common humanity by which all your children are united to one another and the living to the dead may be so transformed by your grace that your will may be done on earth as it is in heaven where, O Father, with your Son and the Holy Spirit you live and reign in perfect unity now and forever. Amen.

We particularly give you thanks for the husbands and wives who have shared our lives and who have gone to be with you. We give thanks for the gift of their love and we honor their memories. With eager anticipation we await our reunion with them as with the Lord forever.

O God, you have so consecrated the covenant of marriage that in it is represented the spiritual unity between Christ and his church. Send, therefore, your blessing upon these, your servants, that they may so love, honor, and cherish each other in faithfulness and patience, in wisdom and true godliness, that their homes may be havens of blessing and peace through Jesus Christ, our Lord, who lives and reigns with you in the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit bless, preserve and keep you the Lord mercifully with his favor look upon you and fill you with all spiritual benediction and grace that you may faithfully live together in this life and in the age to come have life everlasting Amen.