The following teaching was presented at the Friday night prayer and praise service held at Truro Episcopal Church in Fairfax, Virginia on December 9th, 1988. The speaker is the Reverend John W. Howe, Rector of the Parish. The title of this teaching is, Nevertheless. 

I'd like to read several scriptures. You don't need to turn to them. You may if you like.

I think they're familiar. First is from Genesis chapter 12. The Lord said to Abram, Go from your country and your kindred and your father's house to the land that I will show you and I will make of you a great nation and I will bless you and make your name great so that you will be a blessing.

I will bless those who bless you, and him who curses you I will curse, and by you all the families of the earth shall bless themselves. So Abram went. Numbers chapter 9, verse 15.

On the day that the tabernacle was set up, the cloud covered the tabernacle, the tent of the testimony, and at evening it was over the tabernacle like the appearance of fire until morning. So it was continually. The cloud covered it by day and the appearance of fire by night.

And whenever the cloud was taken up from over the tent, after that the people of Israel set out. And in the place where the cloud settled down, there the people of Israel encamped. At the command of the Lord, the people of Israel set out and at command of they set out.

Or if it continued for a day and a night when the cloud was taken up, they set out. Whether it was two days or a month or a longer time that the cloud continued over the tabernacle, abiding there, the people of Israel remained in camp and did not set out. But when it was taken up, they set out.

At the command of the Lord, they encamped, and at the command of the Lord, they set out. They kept the charge of the Lord at the command of the Lord by Moses. Matthew 26 this might seem a strange passage to put alongside of the other two but I think it fits Matthew 26 verse 36 Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane and he said to his disciples sit here while I go yonder and pray and taking with him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee he began to be sorrowful and troubled then he said to them my soul is very sorrowful even to death remain here and watch with me and going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed my father if it be possible let this cup pass from me nevertheless not as I will but as thou wilt and he came to the disciples and found them sleeping and he said to Peter so could you not watch with me one hour?

Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak. Again for the second time he went away and prayed, My father if this cannot pass unless I drink it, thy will be done.

And again he came and found them sleeping for their eyes were heavy. So leaving them again he went away and prayed for the third time saying the same words. Then he came to the disciples and said to them, Are you still sleeping and taking your rest?

Behold, the hour is at hand, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us be going. Philippians chapter 1.

Paul writing to what appears to be the church that was dearest to his heart, a church of deep fellowship and what he calls partnership in the gospel. And he says this in verse 21 of the first chapter. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

If it is to be life in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet, which I shall choose, I cannot tell. I am hard-pressed between the two.

My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I shall remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus because of my coming to you again.

And then just one sentence from the book of Hebrews, chapter 10, verse 31. The writer says, It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. Each of those folks of whom we read were wrestling with the desire to stay, the desire to go, the desire to go, the desire to stay, in different ways, to different callings, to different destinies.

Most of you know, I think, that tomorrow there is an election in the Diocese of Central Florida for a bishop co-adjutor. And for those of you who don't know what that means, That's an assistant bishop until the present bishop retires, which will be about a year from now, and then that person becomes the bishop of the diocese. I am one of six candidates for that office, nominated from an initial list of over 150 people who were suggested to the committee.

And I thought it would be well to share with you some of my feelings on the eve of that election. Partly to ask for your prayers. Please.

I need your prayers. And so do the other candidates. And so do the people of that diocese.

And so do we. Here. Partly because I'm sure that sooner or later, in one way or another, all Christians have to wrestle with the stuff I'm wrestling with right now.

Somewhere, some way, it touches all of us. There are two things that I'd like to share. and this really is much more a sharing than a teaching.

Two things that I'd like to share. First is that in some ways, in some ways I'd like to be a bishop. In some ways.

And I have had a very strange experience over the years of my being here of from time to time having people tell me that they had visions or dreams or in some other way prophecies that that's what God had for me. That's a strange thing. I don't know what to do with that sort of thing.

But when you hear it said repeatedly, you can't just totally ignore it. The senior warden, who was here when I was called to Truro within a week of my coming, told me that he had a vision of me becoming a bishop. Some of you may remember that a couple years ago, a man named Jim Kincaid visited here, traveling with Michael Harper, a man with an extraordinary prophetic gift.

Do you remember he was here and he gave a prophecy for the church and he spent a fair amount of time sharing words of prophecy with many of us personally and he had a prophecy that he didn't say when, he didn't say where, that God would be calling me to the episcopacy and to be a teaching bishop. Interesting phrase. We don't have too many of them.

They get lost in the administrative work and that has to be a terrible, terrible balancing act, but that's what he prophesied. You remember when Neil's assistant visited earlier this year, lovely lady priest who came up here and said, God's calling him to be a bishop. And I said, shut up.

At the conference on renewal in the cathedral last September, there was another woman priest who came up to me after my workshop and she said, I've never had a vision before. ever. But as you were sharing, I kept looking because your shirt kept changing to purple.

But I laughed too. But what do you do with that? What do you do with that?

A bishop has a chance to influence the church and an awesome responsibility to do so. And a bishop can influence the church for good or for ill. A former presiding bishop of the Episcopal Church, John Hines, made the comment, The smallest diocese is more significant than the largest parish.

I'm not sure I agree with that, but I know what he meant in one sense. It is a broader platform from which to speak, and again, for good or for ill. We are an Episcopal church. We're not a congregational church.

That means if this branch of Christ's body is ever to be fully renewed, we're going to have to have such things as renewed bishops and renewed dioceses. And we have some bishops who are moving in personal renewal. I've seen very little in terms of a diocese moving in renewal, except maybe Singapore.

Singapore is an extraordinary place. I'll tell you a little story about the Diocese of Singapore. A few years ago, that bishop was retiring and called for an Episcopal election, only he went around and said to everybody, I don't believe we ought to have a big contest over this thing.

Let's not have an election per se. Why don't we all just pray about it and see who God wants? what a strange way to do it do you know they all prayed they all came to the convention with one name and it was the most unlikely person a man who was not only a priest but a medical doctor who had never served a parish and was a very young man at the time and they all came, all the delegates came with one name, Moses Tay.

Isn't that a great name for your bishop? Moses Tay. And he was acclaimed rather than elected.

I believe such a thing would be possible if we would be in tune sufficiently with the Holy Spirit that he could speak. So that's just a little story. But I long to see what it would mean to try to bring a diocese into renewal.

So instead of being in competition with each other, we see ourselves as being partners on the same team, sharing all the gifts that God has given. If one church has a great youth program, why can't we all share in that and learn from it instead of having to fight against it and discredit it? If one church has a great stewardship campaign, let's all learn from it.

A bishop could perhaps help to bring some of that about. I don't know. I'm reminded of Terry Fulham's frequent comment about the parish.

He says a rector cannot bring renewal, but he sure can prevent it. And I think the same thing must be true at the diocesan level. A bishop certainly couldn't do it by himself, but he sure could prevent it.

I'm just astonished at what God has accomplished in this diocese through our bishop in the four years that he's been our bishop. those of you who have been here, would know the difference. And it simply underscores one of my favorite verses in the book of Judges, which says, when the leaders took the lead in Israel, the people gave themselves willingly.

Bless the Lord. When the leaders will lead, the people will follow. They'll give themselves willingly.

Bless the Lord. I'm concerned. I'm deeply concerned.

about many of the things that have happened in recent years in the House of Bishops, deeply concerned. If I were called to that office, I would hope that I could be some part of God's changing some of that. I need to confess, also, there is a fleshly element in being interested in such an office for the very simple reason that it's fun to be important.

And that's very dangerous. very dangerous and I need to face that honestly and you know the bishop wears purple because he is considered a prince of the church you don't see many miters in Virginia it's been a low church diocese but sometimes Peter Lee wears one do you know what a miter is? it's a crown that's a scary thing I mean that's like that intoxicating taffy that was offered in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe isn't it?

that appeal is a snare but it's there it's real so for all those reasons good and bad there's some part of me that would like to be a bishop that's the first thing I want to share second thing is I'm absolutely horrified at the thought and don't want to be a bishop at all and the nearer it's come the clearer that has become to me it's an overwhelming responsibility. And there's very little real authority unless you're down to some really crisis kind of a situation. There's very little real authority.

The bishop can call for something to happen. He can lend his support to it. There's very little real authority.

The bishop has far less authority in some ways than the rector does. And there is a cost, and that is looming very large in my mind, the cost of what it would mean to give up you, to give up this worshiping community. And never ever again to have one like it.

I mean, there will be wonderful times of worship and celebration, but there will never again be the kind of fellowship on an ongoing basis, week by week, day by day. Network of Close relationships. Peter Lee in an article in the Virginia Episcopalian talked about the lonely splendor of the Episcopacy.

There, I think, would be far less freedom to do what I felt I wanted to, what I felt the Lord wanted me to do, but what I wanted to do, how I wanted to shape my ministry. There are obligations. And you may not know it, but it would involve a very substantial loss of compensation.

You might expect that the bishop, of course, gets a big raise. That isn't true. It would be a big cut at a time when I've got two children still facing college.

So those are significant factors. Look at it one way. It's an honor.

It's a privilege. It's an opportunity, an adventure, an exciting challenge. turn it over and look at it the other way, and it's a horror, a dread, a scary, daunting, ominous possibility that can drive the living daylights out of you.

Last week, Karen and I went down, and the other five candidates and their spouses went down, and we visited the diocese. I've got to tell you, that is one incredible, it's called a dog and pony show. They run you around from place to place, and in each place, people gather, and then they divide into six groups because there are six candidates, and you go for a half hour in one group, and then you move to the next, and then you move to the next, which means 24 separate such interviews in four days, plus visiting 13 different ministry sites, and your head begins to spin.

Didn't I already answer that a minute ago? No, no, that was in the last session. You kind of lose all reality.

It's a good diocese. I need to say that. It is a good diocese.

At the last meeting, a young man came up to me. We had a little social hour after all the interviews got done. And this young man came up to me and he looked me in the face.

I mean, he was very intense, very serious. Took my hand and he wouldn't let go. And he said, I want you to be my bishop.

He said, I want you to come. I know God has called you to be a bishop and I hope it's here. But I've got to tell you, if you come here, it's because God wants you, because these people don't. By that time, I had already almost decided to take my name out.

I really, I mean, I was glad that he told me they didn't want me. But I also told you on Sunday that Karen spent the whole day in prayer and felt really strongly that I shouldn't do that. I should leave my name in, and as of Sunday my name was still in, but I continued to wrestle, to wrestle.

It was up all night, Monday night. About 3 a.m. I started writing a letter. I wrote a letter to the bishop, followed it up with a letter to all of you, a letter withdrawing my name.

And I called Bishop Falwell at a little after 9 a.m. and I read him the letter and I withdrew my name. And that didn't solve the problem. The problem was approach avoidance.

And I thought I could get out of it. I mean, it was intolerable. The pressure was so great.

And looking at it and thinking, this really could happen to me. I'm not ready for it to happen. I don't want it to happen.

Maybe someday I don't want it now. I can't do it. I'm getting out.

And it didn't solve the problem. And the news flew around that diocese in minutes. The bishop called the deans.

The deans called the clergy. The clergy called the delegates. I think within less than an hour, the whole diocese knew.

And I began to have my phone ring. people calling up and expressing their disappointment and their sorrow, their sadness not one of them rebuking me or telling me what I should do not one of them even asking me to reconsider but just sharing their sense of sadness and all during the day the questions came back in my spirit Am I like Abraham being asked to climb the mountain and lay my compensation, my lifestyle, my ministry, this fellowship on the altar, not knowing whether or not there's a ram in the thicket? Or am I like Moses coming up with this endless list of arguments for God and the bottom line being, send Aaron?

Or am I like Jesus saying, if it's possible, let this cup pass. but unlike him not willing to say nevertheless there's a wonderful story that C.S. Lewis has in the last of his Chronicles of Narnia series that I have often used talking about death some of you may know it where it's called The Last Battle and the children are defending Narnia and they're being driven toward this stable and in the stable is this terrifying monster that they know is going to tear them limb from limb and yet the opposing forces are driving them driving them driving them to the doorway and finally through the doorway and they suddenly find themselves in this land of light and sunshine and glory it takes quite a while for them to realize that yes indeed they met the monster only the Lord led them through that experience to the larger life that is on the other side of the gates of death.

That story also ran through my mind because I know and I've preached and I've taught that if the Lord calls you to something, He will equip you for it. If the Lord calls you to something, He will provide for your needs, whatever they are. He will provide for my children's education.

He will provide for this parish. I know that but it looks like a stable with a monster in it. I don't know if you can relate to that.

I don't know if you can think of what many people would consider the great honor and splendor and wonder of being a bishop as going into a stable with a monster in it, but that's how it feels. I shared it with the staff that I had withdrawn. and they were wonderfully supportive.

I found out afterward lots of them didn't say what they really felt. I went home Tuesday night and I shared it with Karen. She knew, of course, that I had withdrawn, but I just shared what the day had involved and she fell apart.

She just wept and wept. because for a long time she has sensed, rightly or wrongly, that this is something that is supposed to happen. And she felt that I was denying God the opportunity to make it happen if that's what he wants.

And see, the other side of that coin is, do you dare to entrust so much to somebody else's decision? I'd love to believe that God always has his will in Episcopal elections, but I look at some of the results. Scared.

Fearful. Overwhelmed. I'm not going to let anybody else make that decision.

I'm going to get out of this thing. only I couldn't called Peter Lee and I fell apart and wept my way through that conversation that's very embarrassing to do with your bishop he was a bishop to me said you need to go and read the book of Jonah all the way through. I said, you mean I'm going to be vomited onto the shores of Orlando?

He said, there is no way that Bill Falwell can urge you to stay in this election. He cannot legitimately do that. You've got to call him.

Now, what most of you don't know is that I went through all of this not too long ago in another diocese. And I came back from that with two absolute convictions. One was I will never again let my name stand for something unless I am totally prepared to deal with the consequences.

and it's because of that that I withdrew my name two is if I ever withdraw my name nothing including Jesus himself standing in front of me could make me put it back in I have said that hello Bishop Falwell one of the most humiliating things I've ever had to do. And he was very gracious about it. And my name is in.

I don't know how people will view all of that getting out, getting back in I'm sure some people will be very charitable and say this is a man wrestling with the enormity of the decision and saying I can't do it and then ten hours later saying I'm willing I'm sure that other people will see a problem here, a waffle, an indecision, an uncertainty, a vacillation. That's their problem. They're going to have to make of it what they make of it.

Bottom line, right now, I don't want to go. But I don't want to miss God. so I want you to pray for me and I want you to pray for the other candidates they are good men we fell in love with each other we had a wonderful fellowship with each other pray for the diocese as it gathers tomorrow morning but before you pray I just want to focus the questions that I think all of us need to deal with from time to time.

Are you willing to go anywhere? Do anything? Be anything for Jesus?

if saying yes to the Lord means sacrificing some of your blessings are you willing if you hang on to your blessings you turn them into idols and your blessings become curses. One of the most fascinating little asides in the Old Testament, it doesn't even enlarge on it at all, just a little teeny comment in the middle of a sentence is that when Hezekiah came to the throne, he did what no other king before him had done. He demolished the high places.

He did away with them. and he destroyed the bronze serpent that Moses had made 600 years earlier. You remember that story when they were being bitten by vipers and God said make a bronze serpent and hold it up on a pole and anybody who looks at it will be healed?

And Jesus himself referred to that as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, so must the Son of Man be lifted up and whoever looks upon him will be saved. You remember the story? 600 years later, the people of Israel are worshipping the bronze serpent and the first thing Hezekiah did was destroy it because they took a blessing from God and turned it into an idol do you follow what I'm saying?

if saying yes to the Lord involves laying down some of your blessings are you willing? are you willing to lay your children on the altar before you know whether or not there's a ram in the thicket are you willing to trust God to provide for all your needs I need your prayers I'm going to ask Ed Pritchard if he would lead us in prayer for this election tomorrow for me and my family for the other candidates and their families Heavenly Father, we thank you for Don, Karen, and their family. It was a miracle when you sent them to us more than a decade ago. They become our friends, our family, our brothers and sisters.

Skin, skin, blood, blood, and bone, bone. Lord, we claim them. We love them.

And yet, Lord, we would submit ourselves to you. We would submit ourselves to your will. We pray, Lord, that you will have your way.

If you are calling John to leave us, we pray, Lord, that you will go with him. We pray, Lord, that you will look after us here, that you will send us another leader. We pray, Lord, for charity, for family, that they consider such a change in life that you will bless them comfortably.

We pray, Lord, for that counsel which leaves tomorrow, that you will be with each one, that they may listen to you speaking in the congregation, that they will submit their bills to you, that they will vote as you would have their bills. We pray, Lord, your blessing on all of the campuses, the five others besides John. Lord, bless each one of them.

Bless them. We pray that you will bless that diocese. That you will, however that election comes out, Lord, that you will bless every parish.

That you will bless the leadership. That you will bless those who come together to hear you speaking and do your will. We ask all this in the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen. Amen.